I wanted to write this really profound piece about the joys of making it to year two of remission. I’d love to say it has been a breeze. I’d love to say that I’m thankful for every single day that I’m alive because I’ve stared straight into the business end of possible death. Don’t get me wrong! I am thankful to still be here when so many don’t have that opportunity. But has this journey been easy? No. Not even close.
Lets get the negative happenings out of the way so we can delve into the wonderful things that have happened this year.
My TSH will not and apparently cannot figure out where it wants to be. My dose of medicine gets adjusted quite often because of this and I get a three day migraine every single time they adjust it. I have to wait four weeks to have my blood re-checked because my most recent test came back…off. It explains everything though.
I’ve been in a lot of pain. This isn’t really new but when my levels are off it’s worse. Infinitely worse. I’ve stopped taking pain killers for it because I don’t see a point anymore. I was only taking ibuprofen before anyway but now I just kind of roll with it. I don’t want to kill other organs trying to fight off pain that won’t budge in the first place.
My sleeping patterns are all over the place but that is also not new. I’ve either slept for 12 hours solid or stayed awake for days since I was a teenager. Just add that on top of the pain and such and it makes for a really shit combo.
So in a nutshell my body is doing okay but feels like it’s falling apart. Constantly. And I’ve accepted that this is my new normal. However….
That brings me to the positives. A lot of good has happened in year two of remission.
I was finally convinced to talk to a doctor and therapist about starting back on Wellbutrin and let me tell you that that’s been one of the best decisions I’ve made in a long damn time. The depression – for the most part – is under control. I still have break through depression but it is short lived and I can generally talk myself out of it. Is it gone entirely? No. Do I still have days where I just want to throw in the towel because I’m overwhelmed and feel hopeless/useless/like things will never get better? Yep. Are they fewer and farther between than before? Also yep. I avoided medicine for my depression for years out of the fear that it made me a weak person. It doesn’t. I have clinical depression and that means that I have a chemical imbalance. It doesn’t make me weak any more than needing glasses makes anyone else weak. It just is what it is.
That’s another thing. My attitude is changing. SLOWLY but it is changing. It’s easier for me to see the silver lining or the end game of a situation now instead of being enveloped in a cloud of constant darkness and despair. The lies depression and anxiety tell you, am I right? That’s a blog post for another day.
I’ve been in a stable, loving, supportive relationship for 6 months. Me. In a normal, non heart breaking, non soul compromising, non bullshit relationship for 6 months and he’s awesome. I love him dearly and FOR FREAKING ONCE it’s mutual. For some weird reason he loves me back and accepts me for all of the weirdness that is me and I appreciate the fuck out of it.
I started going to the gym and am in the process of changing my diet because I am sick to death of feeling like a weak, tired and sick blob. Now that my body is somewhat stable? I need to start focusing on getting it healthier and stronger. I need to start doing these things so I can meet my body at least half way and give it a running chance at someday getting better. I need to do this to give the cancer less of a chance of coming back. Will it work? We’ll see. I’m not going to NOT try though.
The cancer is still very heavy on my mind. I won’t lie though. Every time I have a test or something feels off I start getting scared. Really scared. Hard to be around and deal with scared. But if there’s one thing that this whole ordeal has taught me – on top of the other crap I’ve been through in life and managed to survive – is that scared doesn’t mean you stop. Scared doesn’t have to be the end. Scared can be your super power. I’m the type of person who fights even harder when she’s scared or feels threatened. I’m never going to let fear stop me from living ever the hell again.
Overall things are going crazy well. My job is great, I have the love of an amazing man, my family is doing great, and I am focusing on getting my health back to at least some semblance of better. I’m not out of the woods yet but if anything wants to get me and stop me? It’s going to have to chase my ass down first. I don’t want to just keep existing. I want to live. Really live.
Attitude is half the battle. Keep fighting. Keep living. Keep THRIVING.
Love and Light,